villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Growing up was a huge mistake
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Basketball
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I wish I were this cool 😂
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.