VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I can’t deal with men any longer
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!