Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
This why you should mind your business
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
fr
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.