VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
October already? What’s next? November????
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Netflix: We have Less
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.