Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
It’s actually Dr. whatever
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever