Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

👻

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.