Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Husband of the year 😂
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*