Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
They did not think through this water fountain