You Might Also Like
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.