Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
You Might Also Like
we all know this pain all too well
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
good morning
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again