“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
There’s always that one guy
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.