violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing


He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.


Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation


King Solomon: more porcupines


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.


If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.


When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:


A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no


Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together