@Lottie_Poppie The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
@English_Channel violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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@Lottie_Poppie 
@sageboggs *spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
@thefosterer lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
@ninjadinosaur1 He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
@psybermonkey Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
@Jamberee13 If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
@primawesome If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
@fluffysuse When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
@elle91 A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
@reallifemommy3 Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together