@English_Channel

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

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@Lottie_Poppie

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

@ninjadinosaur1

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

@psybermonkey

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

@fluffysuse

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

@elle91

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

@reallifemommy3

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together