Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Safety first
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”