Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”