Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
The funk soul brother
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
🙅🏻
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
(Gaming support cat.)
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
i wish i could marry a nap
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.