Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.