virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you