VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Start the year as you intend to continue.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
We’ve all been there…
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.