Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Just had my nails done!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.