[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
my husband: goddammit
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?