[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes