[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
This took me a second..
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food