visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life