*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.