@meganamram
@UncleDuke1969 “I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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@UncleDuke1969 
@Tmoney68 A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@beefman138 A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
@stevevsninjas If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
@UncleDuke1969 the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
@rmfnord If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
@hipstermermaid You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
@runawaycupcake “We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
@Cheeseboy22 One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
@ThePoke How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
