@meganamram
@AlexvanBeek EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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@AlexvanBeek 
@_tomcashman Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
@writerPT Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
@3sunzzz [swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
@online_shawn Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
@bboven I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
@yung__spider bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
@3sunzzz Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
@lisaxy424 Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
@angrynerdyshark Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.