@meganamram

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

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@UncleDuke1969

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@UncleDuke1969

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”