@meganamram

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

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@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@_tomcashman

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@writerPT

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

@3sunzzz

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@bboven

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

@yung__spider

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.