“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”