Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You Might Also Like
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?