Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”