[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
CUTE CAT‼︎
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away