Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .