Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Sing it!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*bites zombie*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
As the Lord intended
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.