“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
🚲+physics = winner
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here