Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
#oldknees
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
#CoronaOutbreak
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves