VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse