[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I saw this ending much differently.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.