Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”