Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?