Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Holy shit he’s back
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are