Wait a minute…
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
i baked you a cake
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.