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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year