wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
You Might Also Like
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?