wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.