Wait for it…πππππ
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I donβt even measure when I cook.
When I said βitβs so bigβ I was referring to my disappointment
Alternate reality. π€£π€£π€£
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find βthe bedroom drawerβ.
he’s doing your taxes
99% of my Dadβs excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes βlet me see what youβre working withβ so i did a pose π π½
and he says βnot you, the guyβ ππ
No idea how Iβve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, thatβs simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I donβt have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know whatβs going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, βDaddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?β