Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
i hate you platonically
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever