“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.