Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Mornin
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”