Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
🤣🤣🤣
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
road rage
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Every BBC series about the universe.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in