wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong