Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
men are simple creatures
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Not😆🤣
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*