“Wait, let me explain..”
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭