Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Breaking news:

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine