Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair