Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you