Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

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*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.


Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.


I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.


“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.


It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views


Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.


You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet


I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.


Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice