@dangotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

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@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@ozzyunc

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

@House_Feminist

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

@AnneHatfieldVO

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@Marlebean

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@sarahschauer

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice