Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If a snake ate a cake
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.